My cat gives me a boner
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
