News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
