It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
