I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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