my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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