Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
