I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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