my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
