there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
