I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
