ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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