Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
