Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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