20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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