I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
