i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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