Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
