At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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