I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
