after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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