mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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