My liver just broke up with me...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
