I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
