Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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