Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
