There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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