Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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