i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
there is glitter all over my balls
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