Please, let me fuck your mom
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
