the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
