I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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