You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
