conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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