He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
