On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
