So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
