currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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