If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
