This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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