I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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