Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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