Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
