I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
