I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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