the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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