so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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