She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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