WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
