Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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