I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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