there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
