So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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