were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's blow job season.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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