Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
