i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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