Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
